Gary Vine Associates

This is ridiculous.

Anya has yet to join me in Bournemouth despite my sending train tickets via her personal trainer @ Virgin Active so I’ve had to rebuild Gary Vine Associates completely solo.

I’ve finally reconnected my internet computer although when I tried to join my Manchester internet at first it STILL wasn’t working. As it turned out, Dad told me the name of the connection had changed or something. He gave me a new password and I was able to reconnect with the world, get back in the game and get with the program.

I am pretty relieved because £40 is a lot of money to be wasting on nothing. Plus mum and dad can apparently use the connection too and I do like to bestow a few favours on the old dears while I’m visiting. They LOVE having me here. It’s pathetic but totally understandable like when Anya used to jump up and down at the door when I got back from work drinks with the lads.

So I got back to business. Turns out I wasn’t exactly insured on the company but I’ve got a good debt consolidation plan going and I’m starting GVA anew in my parent’s conservatory for the time being. I already had my computer obviously and with the addition of a smart little netbook mum bought me, my office was looking pretty frresh.

That was until the bloody floods. What idiots buy a house at the bottom of a hill by the SEASIDE?? Bournemouth has been entirely and completely flooded by what I can only assume is some sort of freak high tide and the conservatory is swamped under at least 2cm of water. Not enough to hit my computer network but it’s RUINED the wheels on my top-end IKEA pine desk.

I don’t think I’ve ever craved an iced caramel mocha macchiato so much in my entire life.

Summer has arrived in the Fifth Quarter! This is great news, as it’s Gary Ricardo Vine’s first summer in Manchester, meaning I get to sit in beer gardens all around the city, smoking and looking cooler than Mark Zuckerberg. It doesn’t matter that I spend all my time doing that anyway, this time it’s summer, so I won’t get any funny looks!

I’m not sure if the people of the Fifth Quarter are aware that it’s summer, however. For a start, they’re still dressing like it’s Halloween in a bin. This morning I saw a man in one of these hats…

I know it’s probably cool to dress up like a frizzy Farrah Fawcett (RIP) but it’s hot outside! He must be sweating like a dog in Heat!

RANDOM THOUGHT: I’ve never really ‘got’ Jo Whiley.

Today I will be spending my time in the local pub having a few beers. I overheard a rumour going around in other people’s conversations that there will be a new flavour of beer this summer. Will it be better than strawberry beer? Maybe it will be chocolate beer, or even lager beer! Now there’s a thought…

Anya is enjoying the sun as I’ve opened up all the windows. It helps the floors dry quicker as she’s cleaning, and means she can get to applying that third coat of daily polish even quicker. I should really take her out, but I worry that she’ll overheat if I leave her in the car. The alternative would be to take her into the pub with me, but I don’t want her interfering in my networking with her ‘actual conversations’ and ‘friendliness’.

Time to nip out then. Here’s hoping the summer weather continues so I can wear my £500 sunglasses that were once looked at by Ryan Gosling.

Ciáo!

I am finally ready to release the cover image of my autobioraphy and stealth-help book Business and Me: Staying Awake In a Tiring World: Enjoy Tomorrow’s Business Today, Stupid! My Story: Volume 1.

As you can see, it incorporates the three loves of my life: Mad Men, money and Gary Vine.

Stay tuned for the rest of the book…

I woke up from a recent nap at work realising that I haven’t updated my Facebook profile for a while. I have a Twitter, but I don’t know if I can use it any more as you are only allowed 140 characters on it, and Stephen Fry and Jonathan Ross take up at least nine of those spots.

Anyway, I have decided that instead of updating on Facebook, I will update here. I will also do it on my iPhone because I am socially awkward (in a funny Michael Cera way ahahaha).

Name: Gary Ricardo Vine
DOB: Thursday
Inspired by: Mad Men, HBO, Sopranos, Box Sets, Dragons Den, Tall Peter Jones, BBC
Job: CEO, Head of Creative Design, Official Don Draper for Gary Vine Associates
Favourite search terms: Barack Obama, WWE, Britney Spears, Britney Spears nude, Heath Ledger, Jon Hamm, John Hamm nude, Heath Ledger nude
Favourite films: Any film that involves lying in a cool way
Martial status: Yes, please!
Sex: Single
Car: New Mini Cooper
Passions: Coffee, Princess Diana
Ambitions: To one day be President of the United States/run a successful small business

See? I’m an interesting guy, and I should be allowed to be one of Twitter’s 140 special characters! Anya is currently reading this over my shoulder (she is doing her ceiling stretches) and I can tell she wants her own profile online too. So here goes!

Name: Anya
Inspired by: Gary Vine, socialism
Job: Assistant to Gary Vine

Not bad, eh? If I was to do Lucy’s profile, it would probably go like this:

Name: Lucy Shaw
Weight: Fat
Job: Idiot
Martial status: Some guy named ‘Chad’
Ambitions: To get back together with Gary Ricardo Vine

I don’t miss her one bit! Anyway, time to go back to work after my next nap.

Ciao!

Hi everyone – Gary Vine here!

Seeing as we’ve been without electricity in the flat this week, I’ve used the time to think about good business senses. Here are my top five:

1. Sight
Make sure you always have your eyes open in business. Look at what’s ahead, and what’s behind that (perspective).

2. Sound
Always be prepared to listen in business. Whether it’s music, sound effects by that guy from Police Academy, or even words from people you’re having a ‘meeting’ with – listen up.

3. Touch
Always touch your clients in some way. The handshake is a good one. Another method I employ is to slap someone on the arm whenever they have a good idea. Also, when you do it, say “Hey!” and give them a thumbs up. This combines the sight, sound and touch senses and is a 100% 110%-er.

4. Smell
If the man you’re doing business with smells – get out.
If the woman you’re doing business with doesn’t smell – get out.

5. Taste
It’s a good idea to eat as much as possible during a meeting. If they’re paying, even better. I got my first contract out-eating a Mexican man in a Nandos. There was a real respect.

So, there you have it, my top five business senses. If you’d like to read an expanded version of this, I’m currently considering releasing a book entitled Business and Me: Staying Awake In a Tiring World: Enjoy Tomorrow’s Business Today, Stupid!: My Story: Volume 1, but Anya’s not even started it yet!

Gary Vine Associates is still coming on a treat though, folks. We haven’t opened yet, but we have bought a small fridge so I can have milk whenever I want. We also put the coffee beans in there because Warren in Starbucks told me to. I like Warren, he works out a lot.

Looking for a new solicitor is proving to be hard work. I don’t so much need someone who understands business news as much as I need someone who understands how I work, you know? Vine’s Law. He needs to understand why (if not ‘how’) I can write a two-page business report while doing 500 squats (simple: balance).

You see, the thing with a lot of these ‘straight-down-the-line’ business types is that they don’t know how to bend the rules to fit the mould outside the box, you know? I like to take three-hour lunches (11am until 2pm) because it helps me relax my mind and eat. I also go home at 4pm and take my work home with me. I need someone who understands that this means I’m taking second lunch and won’t be home until at least 8pm.

Similarly, I need someone who will call Lucy for me from the office when I’m too tired to even speak from all the business I’ve been doing. I can’t get Anya to do everything!

The office is coming along nicely, in that Anya is constantly looking at office listings and putting rings around the ones she thinks I’d like. She’s a really hard worker and last night I generously offered her our floor rather than have her go back home. It was 11pm, and you should’ve seen Lucy’s face when I told her in bed later on! She is always so amazed by my generosity!

Any place we end up renting (buying is for squares!) will need to be air-conditioned and have a leased line installed so I can stick on YouTube whenever the workload is getting too much. Actually there’s a thought – an e-mail advice service where we advise people to forget about their life problems by sending them a YouTube clip to watch!
Always thinking!

I’ve been thinking a lot about business – who is it, what is it, and why? Perhaps we’re all businesses…

My dream for many years has been to become a businessman; Wake up in the morning, have a cappuccino, do some business, go home. Done. But what kind of business? Obviously, I’m a big international deal in the online casino sphere, and I’ve got good rapport with regular people. With this in mind, I’m thinking of opening an ‘Advice Centre’ for people who need some direction. I’ve already put together a five-point business plan:

1. Open business
2. Try really hard
3. Buy coffee machine
4. Have a good Christmas party
5. Keeping doing business

To finance my venture, I’ll have to use all of the savings me and Lucy have leftover from her father’s death, but she’ll be cool with it. In fact, I’m thinking of making her a ‘silent partner’ and giving her a 7% stake in the company for her birthday. Always thinking…

I’ve also been thinking about catchphrases and slogans for advertising, and here’s what I have so far:

• Gary Vine Associates: “Problem? Not!” (accompanied by a picture of me in a sharp suit)
• Gary Vine Associates: “Listen.” (close up of an average ear)
• Gary Vine Associates: “We’ve tried really hard.” (funny picture of a cat on a washing line)
• Gary Vince Associates: “Come on!!!!” (England flag-related)
• Gary Vine Associates: “We’re on Twitter.” (Picture of an important person. Cameron???)

I’m going to start interviewing for an assistant next week. I need someone young and fresh, so if you have any ideas feel free to leave a comment below. Otherwise, I’ll just get Lucy to do it during her lunch breaks.

After an assistant, I’m going to need an office and a work computer with two monitors to go with it. I’ll also need a coffee cup holder that says: “Respect me. I am a business man.”

Busy times ahead – but it’s good to be doing something!

Not a bad way to live, eh? Think I might start my own business and take him on!

Nice to see Mr Sun put his hat on and join us all for a play in London! Spent the afternoon in a beer garden in Bethnall Green with the lads, playing the quiz machines and having a laugh really. Dropped a rick by forgetting to meet Lucy, but it’s easy to get carried away with these things, isn’t it?

When I got back home Lucy had booked a holiday for her and her mum and sister to the Algarve. Result! This gives me the flat for two weeks during the World Cup. I don’t even like football, but that’s brilliant news. We’ll have a few beers in the flat, watch a couple of episodes of HBO’s Madmen, and then stick Match of the Day on. Good times! FACT!

Still not found a job yet, so still letting the online bingo pay the bills, but I have set up a Google alert system so that any new jobs in the ‘online blackjack sector’ come up straight away. I’m doing all I can really. My mate Gazzo works as a recruitment consultant and I reckon he could get me a job in that area in five/six weeks – tops.

I’ve also considered trying to get a job at Lucy’s doctor’s surgery. That way, we can spend all of our time together during the day and then we’d both be free to do whatever we wanted at night. A great way to live, I think, and a very thoughtful idea. Also, we’d save on bus fare as we’d both be in the car, and I’d be able to get a check-up whenever I want! I’ll give them a call tomorrow.

Well, back out to enjoy the sun. I’m going to miss dinner so I’ve been a gent and left a ready meal in the fridge for Lucy. Hope she doesn’t mind me eating her steak (she won’t – she loves me).

Ciao!