Gary Vine Associates

As I reach the end of my memoirs, I, Gary Ricardo Vine, can looking back fondly on the huge dent I have made on the business world. Like Frank Sinatra once said, “I did it anyway”, and that’s truly how I think my contemporaries will look back on me…

“Do you know Gary Vine?”
“Yeah.”
“Can he do that thing?”
“He’ll do it anyway.”
“Yeah.”

From my humble beginnings in Braintree, right up to my new beginnings as a business pioneer, I believe I am some kind of force in my industry. And I’ve got the Starbucks stamps to prove it! Yes, I’ve thrown convention on its fat face, ignorning words like ‘can’t', ‘impossible’ and employment law training on my quest to be the king of Manchester’s Fifth Quarter.

I’ve been through it all in business, from drinking java to drinking a homemade wood latte, and I show no signs of slowing down. As the world heads into an exctiing new 12th of the millenium, I truly believe that I am standing on the periphery of something big, and something important. I also know that my loyal companion Anya will be right behind me (literally – no closer than six steps).

The world, they say, is just a great big onion. So is Gary Vine. I’m multi-layered, a bit French and I will make you cry if you cut me. It’s that simple really. So take heed of my advice, you businessitarians. Remember, as you set up your small business or illegal human ferrying operation, to listen to nobody, to look at nobody, and never to let anybody stand in the way of you and absolute power and profit. After all, that’s how I got to be the person I am today!

This has been business and me, and me and business. Stay awake in this tiring world called Earth. And enjoy tomorrow’s business today, stupid! This has been my story: Volume 1.

Throughout my life, I’ve been lucky enough to have as many as 14 epiphanies. My latest drew on the need for Manchester to get to know Gary Vine, and for Gary Vine to get to know Manchester. It was to be Vinefest – my networking event in lower case.

It was an idea so simple in its brilliance that it scared me. Simply cram as many people into a place they shouldn’t really be and talk about busy all day. We’d offer wine, biscuits and the chance to talk to other uninteresting people about things that didn’t really matter. We’d have speakers jetting in from around the world to talk about whatever they wanted and people would nod their heads in pretend agreement while really thinking about what they want for tea. It would be perfect!

Of course, there would be numerous obstacles in the way of making Vinefest the perfect networking event. Firstly, the venue would need to be just right. I decided the best place to hold a forward-thinking blue sky networking event would be an abandoned mill. That was because we could then draw on the spirits of dead factory workers if there was a lull in activity.

My other ideas for the event included a casino for MEN ONLY, with roulette and classic blackjack tables dotted around, while Anya served drinks and cooked all day and night without pay. Of course, like most things in life it would not go ahead without a hitch. Within months of its inception, Vinefest would be put on the backburner, and at the time of writing still has not taken place.

However, whenever I look out from the balcony of my Fifth Quarter flat, past the scores of behatted losers in daft clothes, and beyond the mock-courtyard courtyards of boring bars, I hear the wind carry the name ‘Vinefest’…

It was a no-brainer for Vine to set up a business in the second city. In business, it’s important to come across as different, so I decided against setting up shop in the capital and moved to Manchester – the Fifth Quarter, to be exact.

For those who don’t know – squares! – the Fifth Quarter is an area of Manchester where actual Mancunians lived only 10-15 years ago. All around you, you can still smell their presence, and even see them in the form of weird-looking rich kids wearing flat caps. It really is amazing – and I knew it was the right place for me to set up Gary Vine Associates.

First thing’s first though; I needed a flat. It had to be urban, as in ‘inner city’ ‘in a city’. “I need to live right in the centre of town,” I told Anya, as I burned her possessions to make more room for mine in the van. Secondly, I needed to be inspired. It was therefore important that my flat had a view… preferably of a Banksy. Luckily enough, I had a pretentious friend who had a Banksy hanging on their wall. At least I think it was a Banksy, I couldn’t tell. It might have just been an abused wall. Anyway, long story short, I had my inspiration. Last of all, I needed space to put my massive coffee machine:

That cup is 3 foot tall.

Once these three conditions were made perfectly clear to Anya, I waved her off and she took all my things to Manchester, embarking on a new frontier in my name and for no money whatsoever. I thought of how proud her parents would be as I drifted off for my post-lunch nap on my hammock. It was then that I had an amazing dream.

I would host a networking event. Vinefest…

Everything was going just great! My business was taking shape, my girlfriend’s self-esteem had been crushed into the ground, and I had been working out so much I now had V’s beneath my abs (thank you, Mr Tattoo Man); I was on top of the world!

I think I would have to attribute my success at this time to reading a host of brilliant business celebrity autobiographies. If you don’t know what a business celebrity is, it’s basically someone who is no longer of any use to the actual business world, so is put on TV to be idolised by people who will never be of use to any world. The books of HRH Alan Sugars, Theo Paphitis and Duncan Bannatyne (‘Anyone Can Do It: My Story’) really helped shape my own individual, unique worldview into the mindset of somebody else. And boy did it help Gary Vine!

Here are some top tips I learned from these business superstars:
- Kick every 10th person you pass in order to show authority
- Dress badly in order to show authority
- Be horrible to women to show authority
- Get an iPhone in order to show authority
- Make deliberately bad decisions in order to show authority
- Drink so much coffee you buzz more than an excited pager
- Make outdated references to 1990s pagers in order to show authority
- Indulge in the work of Shane Meadows
- Not understand the work of Shane Meadows
- Go to restaurants with square plates in order to show authority

Another tip passed down from these masters of business was to hire cheap labour at all (no) costs. I quickly realised that I couldn’t make money out of the needy alone; I’d need help. And the best help is the most desperate, so I agreed to take on Anya at next to no cost in order to ensure the brightest future for my business.

Anya was, and still is, the strongest woman I’ve ever met. Both mentally and physically. That girl could move mountains, and often did as part of the circus act she performed at home. Indeed, her strength was such that she more or less edged Lucy out of her relationship with me! Yes, cracks started to show once more between me and Lucy, largely due to Lucy’s intimidation in the face of a woman who could quite literally pick up a penguin (and did many times).

It all came to a head one night in July. In my first blog about being single I wrote:

“It was time for me to kick her into the kerb and I did so after her 10-minute speech tearful about ‘moving on’. I couldn’t be happier to be honest, and the moment she stormed out I called Anya out from the kitchen cupboard and shrugged. You read that right – Lucy stormed out. She’s 25 years old.”

My business idea was taking shape nicely, and I was very excited about the future. I decided it would be a good idea to celebrate my future success in advance, and as a result bought a massive TV and a load of HBO DVD boxsets (they have the most swearing so it’s more urban).

Lucy, however, was beginning to become unreasonable. I had explained to her my plan to help the need for money and I was surprised that she didn’t approve. I was trying to help people – shouldn’t a nurse be pleased about that?

It was around this point that my relationship with Lucy started to deteriorate, and it was purely her fault. How a nurse could protest against my money-making plan to help people was beyond me. What was her problem?

So, in an effort to make things better between us, I did the only thing I knew would work: I issued a press release on a press release website, saying that I was backing her, and that I was officially giving her a vote of confidence to turn things around.

It went well! As soon as she read it, Lucy gave me a big, long hug and told me she was going to see her mother for a few days. She hadn’t seen her mum for ages, and I knew she wouldn’t leave me if she wasn’t happy. Boom! Vine had done it again!

With Lucy out of the picture I was free to concentrate on my new business. Gary Vine Associates would be a business like no other, so it was important that I found people to work for me with the same vision I had. Basically, I needed cheap labour. So I began interviewing. I didn’t know what I would find, but boy did I find it.

It was a Classic Night Out. I wanted a break from Lucy as I’d spent two nights in her company with only work hours keeping us apart. It was too much; Gary Ricardo Vine needed to breathe cleanly and sweetly, so I decided to head to the centre of London for some shisha and a night out.

Some people say Leicester Square is a hideous, cultureless part of London, but I disagree: how can it be lacking culture when it’s full of so many tourists? I met up with my buddies Gazzo, Steve and Jack who I hadn’t seen since uni. We all decided to wear suits that made us look like Al Pacino in Scarface. Gazzo’s cold helped him complete the look!

We had a right laugh. Whether we were comparing the sizes of our flats, or wondering who had the best sculpted goatee, we painted London red that night! The best part was probably the side-splitting time we had playing on this iPhone app which tells you exactly how many lives your selfishness has ruined. It’s not accurate, obviously, otherwise I’d be a right wrongun!

It was on the way home that night that I had an epiphany. I was stood at the tube station mixing a drink with my portable Mojito Maker, and I saw a homeless man. He was asking for money, as you’d expect, and looked in my direction. As I stared at his broken dog eyes, and examined his rubbish clothes, I thought to myself: there must be a way of exploiting the needy for money…

EUREKA!

I was a knowledgable man – I had four A-levels – why wouldn’t people come to me for advice? After all, it was what they’d been doing in my head for years! I would set up an advice facility; a walk-in centre but with a car park because I’m a maverick like that.

My idea was taking shape in my head as I got into bed with Lucy that night. I would provide advice to the needy for cash. What a way to give back. And as I looked into Lucy’s red eyes that night, I thought about the men who had gone before me. Branson, Sugars, and all the other businessmen I didn’t know that much about because they weren’t on TV.

I needed to swot up…

NB. There is no chapter 13 because, as any gambler knows, that is bad luck. This is the exact reason why I will not refuse to listen to Radiohead, as they were all 13 years old at some stage (weird!) – GV

Going back home to the UK and Lucy was tough. I wanted to be back among the bright lights of Las Vegas with all the other authentic people. Lucy had a tough time understanding this, and we had a particularly big argument when I moved a 15ft replica of the Eiffel Tower into the flat.

We decided to try and make things work properly again, so I took her on a trip to the Lake District. We called it The Lakes Escape; from our troubles, from Vegas, from the past.

I had told Lucy that I would calm down a little bit, and it was at this point that I decided to start writing my blog. Looking back, it’s clear that I wasn’t myself. I mean, look at this:

“We spent the evening in a cosy pub about a twenty minute walk from the B&B. I must admit it was nice to get to the end of the night and not have to take part in the mad scramble for a cab home.”

What my heart was saying, was:

“I pretended that I liked continental lagers in an old man’s pub that looked like Wake Central. It was not nice to get a cab because what I really wanted to do was get a pedalo and Flintoff my way into trouble.”

We had also made plans to move up to Manchester at this point, as Lucy fancied taking a job at the Royal Infirmary. I started to think long and hard about my own future. Business was calling me again, with thoughts of my own Manchester virtual office coming to the fore. But it wasn’t until a classic night out a few weeks later that things really started to take shape…

Las Vegas is known to some as ‘Sin City’, but that’s daft because ‘Sin City’ is actually a film. To Gary Ricardo Vine, Las Vegas can be defined as one thing and one thing only: a city.

Me and Jack (known as ‘Red Jack’ on the circuit due to his Russian face) touched down on Las Vegan soil (unforgiving, irritating, no dairy) at around 10am their time. My watch, however, said Vine O’Clock, because Gazzo had it custom-made for my birthday. It was always Vine O’Clock, and Las Vegas was about to find out why…

However, Red Jack got some quiz questions wrong on the plane so we had to spend the night with the police for some reason. So when we finally stepped into Caesar’s Palace at 3pm the next day, we just went bed.

The day after that was Vine O’Clock, that’s for sure! As I walked into the Palace, I breathed in the sweet air and headed over to the one-armed bandit. Billy gave me some change and I went over to the slot machines to warm up with some hardcore repetitive action. For those not familiar with the advanced terminology I’ll be using when describing my Las Vegas times, here’s a glossary:

Slots – What online slots were called before they were online slots
Chips – Crisps/tokens of money
Chilli dog – Red Jack’s lucky charm (he’d tried to smuggle him in his suitcase – hence the prison stopover!)
Vine O’Clock – ‘Winning’ time
Charlie Sheen – Man who stole my ‘winning’ catchphrase
February 2011 – When people stopped laughing at my Charlie Sheen references

By the end of that first magical night in Las Vegas, I’d made around $500 from $50 in low stake roulette. Did I have a strategy? Sure! Am I gonna share it? Nuh-uh! Gary Vine is a lot of things, but a man who shares personal secrets is not one of them!

I had difficulty sleeping that night because of a terrible rash on the back of my legs, and a recurring nightmare about what really went on between my dad and his drag queen friends (I think they were smoking!).

By this point in my life I was living the high life. I’d been transformed from an unassuming handsome man with a head for business into a successful handsome man working for an online blackjack review guide. It all happened so quickly. There I was, stood in the casino just weeks after trying my hand at gambling for the first time, when a man approach and asked me if I’d like a Magic Beam (it’s a cocktail). I said “Sure” and we began to talk.

It was a wide and varied conversation in which we talked business, money, and the business of making money. The man, Jack Pallo, worked for an entertainments website. I told him about my love of entertainment and within minutes an alliance was made: I would write for Jack’s website!

Of course, it was under the strict understanding that I wasn’t going to be around for too long, and that as soon as I wanted to move back into the warm, reassuring bosom of business I could do, but it was a deal none the less. Jack was happy, I was happy, Lucy was not happy, mainly with the fact that I wasn’t getting paid. “Lucy,” I said, “I am going around the world gambling for a living. So what if there’s no payment, what could possibly go wrong?” Looking back at the incredulous expression on her face, I should seen the iceberg of her boring personality coming. “I don’t understand you, Gary.”

No, babe. No you don’t.

I left Lucy at home as someone needed to manage the mortgage of our new London Zone 1 flat, and headed to the States with Jack. Las Vegas, to be exact. If you’ve never been to Las Vegas, let me assure you that it is exactly like what you’ve seen on TV in that show Las Vegas. It was the City of Vice, soon to become the City of Vine…