Why should I network?
Networking is used by businesses in order to create relationships with other businesses. Sometimes, having a good product or offering a good service just won’t do, so it’s important to lie to other business people in order to look good. Lord Alan Sugars from The Apprentice hasn’t ever really said anything about networking but, if he didn’t like it, he would definitely say “YOU’RE SACKED, BABY!” to it.

Who should I network to?
Old people. Everybody knows the future of big business is the elderly. At the end of the day, it’s their money that young people eventually spend on small-to-moderate businesses, so they should be targeted hard and fast. Do this by making a beeline for a codger as soon as you step in the room. If you can gain their trust, they may even end up investing in your business. Two words: Be aggressive.

What is the best network
Super Emirates Mobile 2000. (It’s from Qatar).

When is the best time to network
When they are weak! Hahaha, just a half-joke! It’s best to go in at the beginning of the networking event, then at the end, and a little bit in the middle. NEVER approach anybody on the quarter-hour (check out Jobs-Rimn 1991 for a case study).

What should I wear?
Wear a nice shirt. Something that says who you are. That being said, avoid nametags. Don’t wear a cheap shirt; you’re applying for future business relations, not a debt consolidation loan. What’s more, if you stain your pants with a drink or something, don’t change them. It makes you look human.

That’s all for now. Next time I’ll be telling you all how to use Twitter in a way that doesn’t embarrass God!

I HAVEN’T SEEN THE NEW DRAGONS’ DEN! PLEASE DON’T SEND ME SPOLIERS!

Anyway, it was time for me to kick her into the kerb and I did so after her 10-minute speech tearful about ‘moving on’. I couldn’t be happier to be honest, and the moment she stormed out I called Anya out from the kitchen cupboard and shrugged. You read that right – Lucy stormed out. She’s 25 years old.

So I’ve already started making plans for a Lucy-less operation. I think step one is to turn our flat into a makeshift office. It will help me to eat, drink and vomit business and it gives me a legitimate excuse to sell all Lucy’s stuff. I also think it’s a good idea to have Anya move in and charge her a bit of rent. That way, I’m not paying her any wages at all!

I’m sure people will get the wrong idea about Anya moving in, but if they read my blog and my Twitter (@GaryVine) they will see that I’m a good and honest man and that Lucy is completely in the wrong. After all, everything I have written here has been the absolute truth. Like Sir Alan Sugars says “Lies… YOU’RE SACKED!”

A friend of mine in Manchester I play on the online casino with recently brought up the idea of Essio marketing, which I believe is the practice of making your website the best by putting up pictures of cats and hamsters. With this is mind, I’ve already sent Anya out this morning to gather as many strays as she can and we’ll photograph them doing funny things and put them on the site.

The Manchester link has made me think about moving back up north. I’ve already added a number of Manchester-based Essio people on Twitter and I hope they’ll give me some great advice. Apparently there was even an Essio barbeque this week where people printed out Google pages and ate them! Haha just a joke!

Must say “Ciao” for now. I have a Tomato Cappucino waiting and I’m ready to turn ‘Essio’ into ‘Yessio’!!