Everybody knows that the number one component of any business is coffee. “If business was an elephant, coffee would be the elephant’s best friend. And everybody needs a friend.” – Stephen Fry.
I run a soon-to-be-successful not-non-profit organisation, but I didn’t get to where I am today without hard work, hard play and a hard cup of Joe. That’s why I’ve put together a little guide to what I feel is the ultimate lube to the tight back door of the business world.
Coffee – How much should I drink?
If you’re not looking to nail at least 13 jugs of the blacky-brown stuff every morning then you might as well change your name to ‘Mr Fail from Failtown, Sweden’, because you don’t get nowhere in business without a false feeling of awareness. Coffee provides this. Here’s my morning breakdown:
8am: Get up, call self a Business Tiger, have shower whilst drinking a cup of Sweet Sweet Jesse James. If you still have some left by the end of your third scrub, throw it over your face, let it soak for 2 minutes, then wash it off with a can of Lemon Chinatown.
10am: By now, you’ve gotta be looking at a 6.3 coffee-to-speech ratio. My assistant Anya (unpaid) often wants to know the day’s agenda at this time, but she knows it’s best to wait until I’ve finished my third jug of Jango Fett with Soya. If you’re doing it right, you’ll be able to jog around the room, sweating agenda, showing who’s boss.
12pm: Don’t bother with lunch unless you’re happy with second-best. If you must eat, try coffee beans on toast in a nice milk sauce.
1pm: Have a quick nap. This will be difficult at first due to your caffeine intake but once you get the hang of it you’ll be away to dreamland in no time. Don’t worry if all you see in your dreams is fire; that just means you’re halfway there!
3pm: Wake up from nap. Have a Tomato Latte. Snort some oregano. Job’s a good’un.
5pm: Normally at this time I get Anya to geoff off to the bank to make sure no direct debits are coming out. If she comes back with bad news, I sack her. Then I rehire her. It’s the only way she’ll learn.
7pm: Tea time, and nothing goes down better than a lovely steak shake with added Mascharano granules. For dessert, have a nap.
9pm: Watch The Apprentice with a large Jessica Tandy (Asda exclusive. Follow the in-store direction for ‘Dried Fruits’, do a left at the exit then go to Starbucks).
10pm: Sleep time. However, I always get Anya to watch me sleep with a pen and paper to take note of my sleep ideas. If it wasn’t for this method, I wouldn’t have been able to patent my ‘Key bag’ (like a regular bag, except you put keys in it).
Well, just as I’ve been typing, Anya has strode over with a lovely cup of Lynx Java. Mmmmm, two sugars please! I hope you have enjoyed my guide to coffee. Next week, I will talk about ‘Networking’, which is like going out but without any mates.
Ciao!
