Sorry guys, just been informed it’s ‘SEO’ and not ‘Essio’…
Boy is my face read!
Archive for July, 2010
CORRECTION
Thursday, July 29th, 2010Gary Vine: Single
Thursday, July 29th, 2010Well I’ve finally ended things with Lucy. But more importantly:
I HAVEN’T SEEN THE NEW DRAGONS’ DEN! PLEASE DON’T SEND ME SPOLIERS!
Anyway, it was time for me to kick her into the kerb and I did so after her 10-minute speech tearful about ‘moving on’. I couldn’t be happier to be honest, and the moment she stormed out I called Anya out from the kitchen cupboard and shrugged. You read that right – Lucy stormed out. She’s 25 years old.
So I’ve already started making plans for a Lucy-less operation. I think step one is to turn our flat into a makeshift office. It will help me to eat, drink and vomit business and it gives me a legitimate excuse to sell all Lucy’s stuff. I also think it’s a good idea to have Anya move in and charge her a bit of rent. That way, I’m not paying her any wages at all!
I’m sure people will get the wrong idea about Anya moving in, but if they read my blog and my Twitter (@GaryVine) they will see that I’m a good and honest man and that Lucy is completely in the wrong. After all, everything I have written here has been the absolute truth. Like Sir Alan Sugars says “Lies… YOU’RE SACKED!”
A friend of mine in Manchester I play on the online casino with recently brought up the idea of Essio marketing, which I believe is the practice of making your website the best by putting up pictures of cats and hamsters. With this is mind, I’ve already sent Anya out this morning to gather as many strays as she can and we’ll photograph them doing funny things and put them on the site.
The Manchester link has made me think about moving back up north. I’ve already added a number of Manchester-based Essio people on Twitter and I hope they’ll give me some great advice. Apparently there was even an Essio barbeque this week where people printed out Google pages and ate them! Haha just a joke! 
Must say “Ciao” for now. I have a Tomato Cappucino waiting and I’m ready to turn ‘Essio’ into ‘Yessio’!!
Dragons’ Den episode 2: The Dragonning!
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010Dragons’ Den last night was an absolute barnstormer. It was literally The Wire of Dragon’s Den, with a bit of Family Guy thrown in for a laugh. I had a feeling it would be, which is why I gave Lucy £20 and asked her to go out for a drink somewhere while it was on.
I had a double agenda here, as I wanted Anya to watch the show with me so she could learn about how business really works. She loved it! Although there was confusion when Deborah Meaden said: “The fact that the washing line doesn’t spin has never entered anyone’s vocabulary ever.” It sent poor Anya rifling through her vocabulary notes for confirmation!
However, the old cockney man gave me an idea for a present for Lucy (she’s still waiting on a proper birthday present, but she knows I’ve been busy in the Office Depot.)…
Other notes:
- I must admit I felt a little uneasy when I saw Theo and Duncan arguing over a daft mini-submarine.
£1.5m for a toy boat? Not on my (business) watch!
- When the camera does that sweeping shot I feel like I’m combing Peter Jones’ hair and it’s beautiful. That man is 7ft 3 of cash.
- The wheelie bin fridge. What do you do if you’re having an item delivered to your house but you’re not in? Simple. Get your girlfriend to skip her Anatomy exam for you. If she loves you, she’ll do it.
Overall, a brilliant episode. I give it 5/5!
Anya slept in the kitchen again, and Lucy wasn’t too pleased when she came back later on. I explained to Lucy that it was a bit out of order to have a go at me when I’d given her £20 to go out on her own for the night. Anyway, she saw my side and offered Anya her side of our bed for the night. Anya refused, probably because (drunk) Lucy is very loud when she makes these offers to the women I have staying over.
Big day tomorrow, and I’ve got some big news in the pipeline, so stay tuned to my Twitter @GaryVine
Dragon’s Den is back!
Monday, July 19th, 2010Dragon’s Den is back on the air! Get in! Back of a net! I enjoy nothing better than coming home after a hard day’s work, kicking off my shoes, telling Lucy to spend the night at her mum’s and cracking off a cold bottle watching Dragon’s Den. I can honestly say it’s the best programme about inventions since any feminist documentary ever!
Only joking, ladies! Lucy’s into all that stuff, but I don’t really understand it personally. Why burn a bra? Why not just wear it or, even better, recycle it? Feminists obviously don’t care too much about the environment…
Two people who do care about the planet are my boys Duncan Bannatyne and Peter Jones. They invested £65,000 in a dairy-free alternative to ice cream, which proves their humanitarian side I think.
Straight away, I was on the phone to Anya and told her to get going on the latest idea for Gary Vine Associates – dairy-free cows. Think about it, if we can somehow breed cows that give out dairy-free milk, we cut out the middle-man and can make a fortune with … Dairy-free leather jackets. You heard it here first.
Other than that it was another enjoyable episode. I particularly liked Bannatyne’s shirt, which just screamed ‘BUSINESS’. My shirts don’t scream that, although I do have some electronic business cards from a long-forgotten venture which do literally scream “BUSINESS!”. They were huge among the partially-sighted, and if it wasn’t for that lawsuit from the Japanese I’d be living on a yacht somewhere drinking Pimms with Mel Gibson. R.I.P. Shake ‘n’ Shout!.
The rest of my weekend was spent, as you may have guessed by my jovial tone today, playing and winning at the online casino. I have a new strategy which involves me ringing up Anya in the middle of the night and asking for a roulette number. She shouts religious-sounding stuff in her crazy foreign language for a bit, then hits me with a winner. I really struck gold with that girl.
Ciao!
Lucy’s birthday
Wednesday, July 7th, 2010Lucy’s birthday was a great day for everyone – especially me! I woke up early to make myself a cup of hot chai tea with extra hot and then waited for her to come downstairs. When she did, she walked into the kitchen to find 100,000 ‘Gary Vine Associates – Advice For Life’ business cards scattered all over the floor. She was shocked. “I didn’t just get you one birthday card, babe!” I said as I went back upstairs for a sleep.
By the time I’d woken up again it was time for her next present. I came downstairs and the lovely little thing had made me breakfast – egg on cold toast. Ten minutes later I was eating egg on hot toast and really appreciating the wonderful girlfriend I have. I have never once regretted meeting her at that Castaway audition.
It took my little SME Of Joy a few minutes to work out her next present, but once I explained to her the benefits of an SDSL line at home she was really interested in how exactly I thought it was a good present. I told her that and she went upstairs for a lie-down, clearly overwhelmed by my generosity!
Next I had to do some quick business so I rang Anya and told her to engage some clients wherever she was at that moment in time. Needless to say, Gary Vine Associates may soon be entering into an agreement with the Lithuanian Methodist Church. Eat that, competitors!
For dinner, I took the apple of both my eyes for dinner to her favourite restaurant: Chez Gary Vine. We had a lovely frozen pizza made by some kind of doctor (so it must be good!) and then some ice cream left over from Valentine’s Day.
She then went to bed and I watched my Top Gear DVD. There were some really great cars.
Ciao!
