Gary Vine Associates

I spent all of last night on the Gary Vine Associates business plan. It’s tricky, nailing down my vision when it isn’t really a word thing – more of a feeling. Still, I did managed to cobble something together in the early hours; a rough idea of where I want the business to go in the coming months. Basically, I want to start the business, then let it grow, then get massive. I find that in business it’s the simple plans that work best.

This morning I faxed over the plan to my solicitor, then waited around and rang him two hours later. Turns out he doesn’t have a fax machine, which put me on the back foot. Who in business does not have a fax machine? Next he’ll be telling me the 300,000 pagers I’m looking at buying in bulk are a waste of time.

Anyway, I persisted with my solicitor, let’s call him A. Layman, and told him about my plan. The good thing about my plan using my Polycom Soundstation 2. What’s really great about this is that I can walk around the flat while outlining my proposals, helping me keep on top of my mind and my body as I go. There was one awkward moment when Layman asked what the grunting noise was in the background, but I explained it was just Anya putting together the desk I had bought her the wood for. Turns out her great grandfather was a carpenter!

To be honest, I found dealing with Layman frustrating. The man is obviously not operating on my level. He’s all ‘emails and under-budget’ whereas I’m more of a ballsy ‘let’s Branson the hell out of this’ kind of guy. Then I found out he drives a Ford KA – not on my watch, buddy. Not on my watch.

So, I’m now in the market for a new solicitor! Any interested parties should feel free to get in touch. I’m a good guy to work for – just a small town dude with a big city attitude.

I was sat in Starbucks one day later, drinking my coffee like nobody’s business. It was quarter past two which, according to a book I’d read by Richard Branson, was approaching the optimum time to do business. Then my first interviewee of the day walked in.

Straight away I knew there was no way Richard Hat was suitable for Gary Vine Associates. What was he going to give people advice on? Names? No. He was wearing a shirt I’d seen reduce in Burton Menswear and had a phone that looked like it was still excited by Bluetooth technology. He sat down and offered to shake my hand. No. In The Art of (business) War, the master Ciáo Bentos says you should never take the hand of somebody you don’t respect.
Richard Hat sat down and tried to speak to me. No dice. I stared at him until he left. I know about business – I’ve watched Madmen. I am Alan Sugars.

I had interviewed seven lessers before the employee who fit my business perfectly walked in. She was short, stocky, and had hair like a fire in a bush of hens. Her name was Anya and she bowed when she introduced herself. Here was an employee I could respect.

We spoke for only two minutes as her English was limited, but she had all the necessary ingredients required to be my secretary, namely a poor background and a strong back. I realised that it would be better for business if I kept Anya away from the public-facing side of Gary Vine Associates. Asking her to give advice to someone would be like asking a dog about Maths: you’re left with nothing but a dog.

I left Starbucks with a spring in my step and a Rocky Road and Bacon Quiche in my hand. I got home to find that Lucy had gone to her mother’s for a few days to “think about things”. Probably her next exam.

Today was my first day conducting interviews for the position of secretary at Gary Vine Associates. I was pretty nervous about doing them and stayed up with Lucy all night watching videos of The Apprentice so I could study exactly how big business works.

Lucy started drifting off at about 2am but every time she did I turned the volume up on the TV a little more – did the trick! So this morning I woke up having had about three hours sleep, but with the wisdom of a cockney-wideboy-cum-good ringing in my eyes. “I am Amstrad!” I shouted at Lucy and she awoke with a start. She needed to be up for her nursing exam anyway. What a great boyfriend she has!

I did the decent thing and gave Lucy her bus fare as she was running late and couldn’t find her car keys. I needed to stay in and work on my interviewer technique alone. I think Lucy realised this, and spoke only to herself under her breath as she left the house.

My seventh latte was now inside me as I stared into the mirror. “You’re the man, Gary! You are Alan Sugars!” Then I pointed at myself, and imagined the trembling face of an incompetent employee after tripping the SDSL connection or forgetting my bagel at 11sies. “You’re sacked!”

I took Lucy’s car keys out of my pocket and headed to the door. I sped like a madman through the streets because business waits for no man, feeling that today it might just make an exception for Gary Vine. Before long I was at the office, and asked the Starbucks waitress for a black coffee with extra milk. I pulled up a pew and got my Blackberry out – tweeted that I was about to interview the hell out of some guys. Then I checked my diary and realised that the interviews were scheduled for tomorrow.

Between revising and working 12-hour shifts, Lucy must’ve messed up my diary somehow…

Just putting the final touches to my Business Plan for Gary Vine Associates. My solictor wants it in by next week, which is a little harsh considering the World Cup is on and I’ve just bought the Band of Brothers box set. So I’ve just put together a document with a load of YouTube videos in. Ones like this…

Probably the best thing about starting a new business is looking through the CVs of idiots. For those not up to speed with my fast-paced life (VROOM VROOM hope on in, cowboy! Uh-oh too slow! I’m already driving to BusinessTown!), I’m basically looking for a PA to personally assist my business needs. To this end, I’ve already purchased a Polycom SoundStation 2 so I can ask her for a coffee without having to leave my desk. Coffee is the oil that oils business, and I’m one slick guy.

Some of the CVs I’ve received so far have been absolutely class. We’re talking Grade A Dom Joly 1997. Firstly, half of them are from men. WTF? One in particular is from a graduate who’s just done a degree in ‘Business Studies’ (WTF 2).

Hey, buddy, you don’t learn business in a classroom – you learn it on the streets, and by being in business. I am in business. Ergo.

Another CV I got was from a girl with a Maths degree. She has a great background and seems acceptable but how can I ask someone in for an interview if I haven’t even seen a picture of her? I might need to adjust the Gumtree advert, actually. Hey, if you know anybody, let me know below.

I’m already thinking of taking the recruitment process in-house, either by employing Lucy or best friend Gazzo. I don’t know which one to approach first. It would be good to give Gazzo a wage as he’s been unemployed since uni, but if I employed Lucy full-time I know I’d get away with paying her nothing. Swings and roundabouts, eh?

This week I’ve started to look at offices. My five-year business plan tells me that June should be dedicated to ‘finding a space, and making it your own’. Once I’ve got my own office set up, and a PA to make me coffee, there is no way my Gary Vine’s Advice Centre can fail.

It’s good to live in a Britain of opportunity. Thank you, Mr Cameron.

Inspired! HAHA Another hit from HBO! Some good advice about business here too…